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DISCUSSION FORUMS : Forkliftaction.communicate
Forum: Fun at work
Discussion:  Sexist Jokes
Number of messages: 22
Page: [1] 2
START MESSAGE:
ZZJASEZZ
BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, United Kingdom

 		I wanted to ask my wife her honest view on sexist jokes.

But she was too busy doing the cooking




If your wife runs out of the kitchen and gives you an ear bashing, what have you done wrong?


Made her chain too long!





Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet



-------------------------
ITSSAR F.L.T INSTRUCTOR

Posted 4 Apr 2008 02:44 AM Reply  Report this message
REPLIES: Sort replies by
roadrat
North Carolina, United States

 		"very good"

-------------------------
"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?"

Posted 6 Apr 2008 00:43 AM Reply  Report this message
edward_t
South Carolina, United States

 		9 WORDS WOMEN USE  
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.  This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in 'fine'.  
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!    
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.   (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.  
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying screw YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Posted 6 Apr 2008 02:19 AM Reply  Report this message
proshadetree
Tennessee, United States

 		ED now that kicks a**

-------------------------
"Work leads to profit, mere talk leads to poverty"

Posted 6 Apr 2008 09:54 AM Reply  Report this message
roadrat
North Carolina, United States

 		"That is some pretty good stuff ED, one question though, did you come across this in your reading or are you speaking from experience?"

-------------------------
"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?"

Posted 6 Apr 2008 10:28 AM Reply  Report this message
edward_t
South Carolina, United States

 		I don't create squat, I just pass it on..
here is another one;
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??

Posted 6 Apr 2008 12:18 AM Reply  Report this message
miss_m
United States 		Hey all you guys, seeing you are into sexist jokes I suppose you've heard about the miracle birth - a baby born with a brain and a penis.

Posted 25 Jun 2008 03:39 PM Reply  Report this message
edward_t
South Carolina, United States

 		nope, didn't hear about that one...

you gonna tell us the punch line?
Posted 28 Jun 2008 09:49 AM Reply  Report this message
Chrissa
Australia 		edward_t you just told a joke and you didn't know it!

Posted 30 Jun 2008 09:49 AM Reply  Report this message
proshadetree
Tennessee, United States

 		Ill bet he did this is ED your talking about

-------------------------
"Work leads to profit, mere talk leads to poverty"

Posted 30 Jun 2008 12:43 AM Reply  Report this message
Marcel
Durban, South Africa 		Hey Ed thanks for the tips on the female vocabulary.
You are definately shedding light on a lot of misunderstood words for the newly married tradesmen out here.  That "whatever" one comes up quite a bit here at work. Yip i am married to the company accountant. Cheap labour you know. Employ the wife. :-(  

Posted 3 Jul 2008 05:31 PM Reply  Report this message
bigGlittlestar
United States 		Hey why dont you buy your wife a watch for Christmas?
There's a clock on the stove!!

Why do new brides wear white?
So the new dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator!!

Whats the first thing a battered woman is supposed to do when she gets home from the hospital?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her!!!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice!!

Posted 29 Aug 2008 04:48 AM Reply  Report this message
edward_t
South Carolina, United States

 		A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house
she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU HAVE MAIL!"


Posted 1 Sep 2008 04:05 AM Reply  Report this message
johnny_d
Papua New Guinea

 		There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.

-------------------------
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Posted 3 Sep 2008 05:58 PM Reply  Report this message
andrew_k
England, United Kingdom 		-- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably  
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer  
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required  
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Modified 1 Nov 2008 09:09 AM
by poster. 		Reply  Report this message
edward_t
South Carolina, United States

 		andrew_k 's wife walked in, while he was going to post his joke here. Maybe we will hear that joke when Andrew's wife goes to her mother's house for her mother's birthday.

Posted 23 Oct 2008 08:03 PM Reply  Report this message
johnny_d
Papua New Guinea
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.


When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


At uni I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs


-------------------------
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Posted 24 Oct 2008 06:05 PM Reply  Report this message
edward_t
South Carolina, United States

 		MISSING HUSBAND

Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds,

AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'

The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ray has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him.


Posted 25 Oct 2008 07:18 AM Reply  Report this message
roadrat
North Carolina, United States

 		Das iz funny ED!!

Posted 28 Oct 2008 12:23 AM Reply  Report this message
roadrat
North Carolina, United States

 		OMG!!! johnny d,   THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Modified 28 Oct 2008 12:26 AM
by poster. 		Reply  Report this message
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